Hints, Allegations and Things I should have left Unsaid

I ran across this "41 ways to melt a woman`s heart" on some men's magazine online thing. Seriously, who writes this crap?

I've decided to point out the obvious flaws below:

1. Ask her to dance.

So she can do the lame, no rhythm white girl dance? Uh, no.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

Ever tried that? Sometimes it's cool, sometimes not. Best not to risk it.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

So she'll think something is wrong?

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to
sleep.

Right where I just 'unloaded'? Uh… pass.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

Like in a headlock? Sweet!!

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

So she can infer that the woman triggered some involuntary reflex and you'll get reamed for looking

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

Great idea, girls always love it when you drunk dial them!!

8. Kiss her eyelids.

I think 10/10 girls who DON'T have mental problems would find this creepy.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

Unless she was a 300lb land monster as a child, then you'll get killed for dredging up childhood drama!!

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

Isn't that more of a tub activity?

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

Cause everyone lives no more than 10 minutes away.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.

For a second, I thought that said KICK her between her legs….

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

I'll pass on that one. Most people only get called by first AND middle by their parents, and then only when in trouble. The mind would take some time to break the association.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.

My favorite rock album on vinyl. Assuming I like rock and said album is available on vinyl. And she would think it's cool as a keepsake, OR actually owns a record player. Is Slipknot's Volume 3 available on vinyl? And MY favorite? What if she HATES my favorite band? Course if she doesn't like Slipknot, I should obviously dump her… oh I see where they're going with this. Genius!!

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

Assuming she drinks coffee and isn't offended by you ordering for her.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

Again, I know more than a few girls who would find that creepy.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

I assume this means I'd have to remember it. And which anniversary anyway? One month? 6 months? A year? Girls keep track of trivial dates.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

I think if I sent her porn, I'd be in trouble. Should have some guidelines here.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no-one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

I think that one just might work, if you can pull it off with a straight face.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

Uh… ok, and say what? Can't really talk I have to get on the plane?

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

Why are her clothes on the floor? I don't date slobs. She's a big girl, she can do it herself. Uh… and by big girl, I mean she's grown up, not that she's a cow.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

I try not to get into 'desperate' mode. What if I'm just hilarious with no effort?

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

Have you been to a sporting event lately? At $60+ a ticket, she can like it or stay home.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

Cause she definitely won't be creeped out by realizing that you want to touch here when you get the urge to take a dump – Wait, is she East German??

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

Better be a serious relationship. Shaving sucks.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

Try to break a few ribs. She'll be putty in your hands. Literally, with no bones, pretty much just putty.

27. Worship her breasts.

DONE!!!

28. Give her jewelry.

Only if it's cheap shit. If I'm shelling out of diamonds, there should be some sort of relationship contract in place.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

Assuming she doesn't scream and ask WTF you're doing in there.

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

So she can bitch about her job? No thanks.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.

Are there still women out there who eat breakfast?? Or eat at all??? What about eggs and toast? YEAH TOAST!!!

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

And get bitched at for interrupting? I don't think so.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

Well that would be saying I'm wrong, which, since I'm never wrong, would be a lie. I try not to ever lie.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

Tell her how romantic the night will be, but leave out the part about how bad the morning will be without running water.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

Assuming A) she would go down on you – if she 'doesn't do that' dump her. And B) she's actually good at it – shocking how many girls can't master the up and down motion

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

Provided she likes being read to, and it doesn't distract her. And assuming she'll shut up long enough to allow you to speak.

37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realize is broken.

And hope she doesn't interpret that as you calling her place a dump.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

Don't forget, for this to work, you'll need a complete mental inventory of everything she already has.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

As long as she's under 150lbs – otherwise this one could backfire.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

This should be ok, at my age, most people are either married or dating, so 'die-hard' bachelor buddies should be pretty much non-existent.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex...

a. Run a bath for her.

b. Give her a full-body massage.

c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

Few bottles of cheap wine should work much better with zero effort!!!