Douchebag of the Week

This week was a difficult one in terms of selecting the winner of our
coveted DotW award. The members of the DotW Selection Committee thanks
everyone for the many nominations we received. We were able to thin the
herd to two contenders: Chip Saltsman and Rod Blagojevich (who is the
winner of our very first DotW award). After lengthy and heated debate
(resulting in 6 stitches, 3 broken windows, approximately $400 in dry
cleaning bills, and being permanently banned from the local zoo), we
arrived at a winner. Without further ado, the recipient of the DotW
Award for the week of December 29:

Chip Saltsman

This was a tough decision. Chip Saltsman, as well all now know,
displayed the depth of his subtle humor as well as his razor-sharp
satiric wit by providing a CD, containing the musical gem, "Barack the
Magic Negro." Blago certainly made it a tight race, though. Just when it
looked like Saltsman would pull away, Blago comes back with a
superlative move by appointing long-time Illinois political fixture
Roland Burris to the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack
Obama. This one carefully orchestrated move, both shrewd and savvy,
brought the competition to a virtual tie. At this point, the DotW
Selection Committee went into a closed door session to determine who
would be chosen. We on the committee take our solemn duty very
seriously, and we agreed that we would not adjourn until a just verdict
had been rendered, or until we ran out of pizza, whichever came first.

Blago has worn the mantle of DotW well and has lived up to all of the
honors, rights, and privileges thereto pertaining. However, the deciding
factor in choosing Saltsman over Blago came down to "what do you expect
from a pig, but a grunt?" We have already established Blago has attained
DotW status. In baseball, tie goes to the runner. In the running for
DotW, tie goes to the person who has earned the title fewer times.
Therefore, Saltsman by default. (What will we do if DotW ever comes down
to two people who have earned the title an equal number of times? We,
the DotW Selection Committee, have decided that the only way this
situation could ever be decided would be on a beach on the Gulf side of
Florida with an unlimited supply of gin and tonic. Heaven help us should
it ever come to that.)

The distinguished and well-spoken Chip Saltsman (who some might say is
really going places), recently served as the campaign manager for Mike
Huckabee's failed Presidential campaign. This clean and articulate
gentleman (Saltsman, not Huckabee, though he too seems to be both clean
and articulate) presented this well crafted CD to members of the RNC as
a Christmas gift. Doing his part against the War on Christmas, one
supposes.

Without even delving into the other musical masterpieces on this CD
("The Star Spanglish Banner" is particularly lovely), let's take just a
moment to look at the idea of "Barack the Magic Negro." The well
respected and very accomplished Mr. Saltsman, who no doubt is a good
family man, suggests that this is a simple case of political satire. Let
us consider this.

"Satire" comes from the Latin *satira*, meaning full dish, or a dish
filled with various types of fruits, nuts, and the like. Perhaps Mr.
Saltsman is more astute than I gave him credit for. While for the most
part, the original meaning of the word is lost (now referring to a type
of humor known for sarcasm, lampoon, and irony), Mr. Saltsman's
contribution to this rich literary tradition is, indeed, a dish filled
with fruits and nuts. In this case, however, it is the well spoken Mr.
Saltsman who is the nut.

Political satire? Only if you happen to be an ultra-conservative,
racist, xenophobe who is so egregiously out of touch with the zeitgeist
as to actually find this sort of puerile piffle funny. Mr. Saltsman, let
me help you out with a few things. I'll stick the three points, simply
because I don't have the time, space, or energy to make an exhaustive
list. First, the fact that this little ditty was first aired on the Rush
Limbaugh show in April 2007 and in the intervening 20 months you haven't
been able to find, write, or otherwise come into possession of something
better is indeed laughable, but not in the way you were expecting.
Second, I might recommend fostering a skill commonly referred to as
self-editing or reflective self-talk. It seems that at some point along
the process of making and distributing this CD, a little voice in the
back of your mind should have chimed in and said something along the
lines of "gosh, is this really a good idea?" The fact that it
didn't....well.....doesn't speak very highly for you, I'm afraid. Third,
for future reference, the word "Negro" is generally considered to be
offensive. This word went out of favor in, what, 1966? Cripes, man, read
a book.

Congratulations, Chip Saltsman. You managed to successfully edge out
Blago for the prestigious title of Douchebag of the Week!